Today, I feel like Anne Hathaway in her Modern Love episode.

I was having a good week. I was on track with my meds, I was consistently early at work, I submitted all of my deliverables on time. Last Thursday, I got to share some personal stories I’ve been bottling up for months during our journaling session, and it felt so relieving, like I finally got to unearth a thorn lodged in my chest. By Friday, I was over the moon. It was karaoke night at the office, and I was singing and dancing with everyone else. I genuinely felt good. I was more than prepared to unwind and rest for the weekend with my borrowed books.

And there came Friday morning. In a matter of two hours, my mood depleted drastically. I became angry, then frustrated, then miserable, then suicidal altogether. I went to bed trying to remember how to tie a noose, and thinking about the repercussions of hanging myself in our backyard tree.

The thing is I know my triggers. I know the train of thought that caused me to arrive to this state of mind, yet I still let it happen. I’m currently stuck in this irritable and depressive rut, plagued by the feeling of guilt and frustration. It’s constantly a battle of feeling guilty because I can’t do enough and feeling guilty because I feel like I shouldn’t be alive.

When I was 18, I promised myself I won’t make it past 20. I always had this sort of stupid pact with myself that I’m going to die young and I’m going to die in my own terms. Obviously, that didn’t happen as I am entering my late 20s now, but every time I get into an episode, this thought comes back to mind, and I always feel like a day I lived past 20 shouldn’t even have happened, that everything is just a cheat. There is always an angry voice in my head dictating that I should’ve ended things years ago.

I’ve been glued to my bed for the past two days, drifting in and out of sleep. I have no appetite. I haven’t touched the books I was supposed to have started this weekend. I don’t feel like doing anything and crying is not exactly helping either. I feel ridiculous for having such drastic mood swings, but I can’t help it either.

I just want it all to stop. I wish there could be a 'deactivate' option on real life as well, where you can just put everything to a halt and come back once you’re okay again. But life doesn’t stop for anybody, and I have no choice but to keep moving and moving, because that’s just how this universe is wired. It is what it is.

I really, really wish there is no after life. I’m done with one lifetime already.